Swag Bag

When you go someplace and pay as much as I have for the privilege, one should expect only the finest of Swag Bags. Now granted, this isn't the Oscars but hey, Intermountain Healthcare does OK and they should shell out occasionally to those of us that enter on the red carpet. I got here last Thursday and finally received my Swag Bag Wednesday.

I just took a luxurious shower sitting on a lovely chair made of 3 inch PVC tubing. Clean shirt, shorts - I was feeling like a million bucks. Then it suddenly appeared, the bootie! Placed delicately on the counter next to the sink. It had the familiar kidney shape of a nausea tray - which of course it was. I eagerly tore off the clear plastic cover anxious to discover each goodie donated by valuable sponsors thanking me for my patronage: A new toothbrush, toothpaste, two (yes two) disposable razors complete with shaving cream, and my own personalized deodorant. I spotted something in a shiny emerald tubular case at the bottom and began to remove the razors to retrieve the small treasure.

"Oh, Chap-stick," said the elderly aide behind me, "I think I'll take that for myself." She reached down from behind my soft seat in the wheelchair, grabbed it and quickly lathered her wrinkly lips then placed it firmly in her front pocket and walked out. I was speechless. I still am. Suddenly I no longer feel like a big star! WTF!